Here's the situation. Your partner is eager to have sex. And you may be too, but there's a very good reason to never be sparing with the foreplay:
"Most women need about 20 minutes of arousal time to reach the 'orgasmic platform,' when the clitoris is most sensitive and the body is primed for stimulation," says sexologist Yvonne K. Fulbright, author of the Hot Guide to Safer Sex. "Skipping the whole sexual-response cycle makes it harder to get off." 20 minutes may sound like a long interval. But probably, any partner who can't spend some time making you feel good is not worth your effort.
For many couples, it's a turn-on. "It was really hard for me to orgasm, so I'd tell my boyfriend, 'It's okay, don't worry about it' when it didn't happen," says Melissa, * 29. One night, he told me to lie back and just let him do his thing to me. I eventually orgasmed, and he clearly loved every minute he spent getting me off." An addition of peaking preintercourse: "Having an orgasm during foreplay increases a woman's chances of climaxing during intercourse," says Altman.
It's easy for women to get distracted during sex. Everything from "I wonder what my boobs look like from this angle?" to "Wow, he should have that mole on his chest checked out" can make her lose focus. And once that happens, orgasm is down for the count. "Your brain is a vital part of the sexual experience, registering sensations and releasing feel-good chemicals to the body," says sexologist Gloria G. Brame, PhD. "Any mental distraction can spark conflicting, nonsexual impulses in the brain and lessen your pleasure."
So what her can do? First, reengage on her body. "Focus on how he feels inside you and how your body is responding," says Brame. "Also touch yourself or even switch positions to physically bring yourself back to the sex."
Another trick: breathing slowly and deeply from the pit of your belly. "Yogic breath will not only keep you centred, it will also make the sex better," Fulbright points out. "Circular breathing, where you try to sync up your inhalations with your partner's, can put the focus back on the body and help you reconnect with each other."
The clitoris is the most important area of female body to touch during sex (duh). "There are more nerve endings there than there are inside the vagina," says Fulbright. "So it's rare for women to have an orgasm without some sort of clitoral stimulation."
To stimulate clitoris during intercourse, climb into woman-on-top position, arch your body toward him and grind your pleasure point against his pelvis. If you're in missionary, make sure to keep your legs pressed tightly together while moving your hips in a circular motion, suggests Altman. "As he is moving in and out at this angle, it will stimulate the clitoris," she says. "It can also create friction between your vaginal lips and your clitoris, which can enhance sensation." Fulbright also suggests stimulation when you're in doggie-style or girl-on-top position.
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to overlook the little things like, say, your bladder. If you have to pee, a penis in your vagina — stimulating the back wall — can make you clench up. The result? You don't let go and climax.
Certainly, there's a simple solution: Use the bathroom prior to sex. "Since you know you don't have to pee, when you're on the verge of orgasm, you'll be able to go with the sensations and let loose," says Brame. Even more, the fact that peeing first can greatly decrease your risk of a UTI.
Off course, different positions are always a fun way to keep your sex life exciting. In contrast, testing out too many in one sitting actually makes it harder to orgasm. "The key to satisfaction is steady stimulation in a position that hits your pleasure points," Brame points out. "You need to develop a rhythm, and once you feel yourself building toward climax, the sensation must be consistent or you'll lose momentum."
If for some reason you get abstracted and have to start from beginning, don't panic. Just get yourselves back into that orgasm-inducing position and go for round two.
Which is fundamentally just the inability to orgasm. In a study about women's sexual dysfunction, 24% of the women involved reported orgasmic dysfunction. That's not at all a small number! The reasons really vary: anything from anxiety to certain medications can generate it. The most important thing to remember is that you should always talk to your general practitioner or ob-gyn about what might be going on if it's bothering you. A search on the internet can't diagnose a clinical alarm, but your doctor sure can. Don't ever be anxious to seek more information.